From the Eldest Child to A Sibling

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Dear brother,

Since we were kids, we fought a lot and shared a lot. We went almost everywhere together. We were stuck to each other at the hip. Anyone who had any mind to bully you or hurt you, I’d run down to the our neighbourhood streets, confronted them and gathered up the courage to face them, because they were boys and some much bigger than me.

You taught me how to ride my bike when I was 10, even though I was the elder one. I grew to love bikes from there. The feeling of freedom was something I could never exchange for any other. It was an escape from the violence and from the uncertain future we had due to our childhood.

Being brought up in a non-violent home originally , tough love was indeed something new when I rejoined you at a later age. I was introduced to violence and we both became somewhat violent during our adolescence.

We both had to grow up pretty fast back in those days, before the boom of the internet , before my dreams became ideas and floored onto a blueprint of projects and before I knew it could be tangible.

I remember that one afternoon quite vividly. We fought yet again for the umpteenth time and I hit you. You were half a man then, still a kid in my eyes, 14..maybe 15..

I remember hitting you and by that time, you used your martial arts training to defend yourself and you said to me, “ You will never hit me again.” And you gave me this look , the look of disappointment in me and the determination of standing up for yourself.

That day was the last day I hit you.

The devil in me had packed his bags and left.

I then realised , the bigger picture. I was mimicking the violence that was practiced in our environment and I used you as a practice punching bag but then again we both were .

One day, things happened. Our castle collapsed and I remember that night, I gathered the 4 of you in my bedroom when the fight broke out and I remember telling you and the rest of the kiddos “ Whatever happens , I’ll do everything in my power to make sure we stick together. That I promise you.”

I suddenly became an adult. I had to. In order to protect the 4 of you, I had to. As much as I remember hitting you, I also remember being your shield.

Many years has passed, we are all much older now. Old enough to run a country, rebuild lives , give love and be charitable. You are one year away before the big 3-0. The older we get, the more we realise and the closer we meet our awakening.

Unlike you, I fell into another sort of violence from another source, outside the safe circle-of our family.

Maybe because I had not met my awakening yet.
It took me 12 years to get myself out of being in that situation.

In 2013, I met my awakening. It had made me the woman I am today. I want to help others in emotional need, in dire need for a listening ear or some guidance , because for me…. I had no arm that reached out except for the hands of God. He who always had my back. It’s not that nobody cared , everyone was thinking of further consequences of their interference and all they wanted was to not make things worse for me and I love them for that.

But let me tell you something about being the eldest.

It gets lonely.

No one believes you, nobody listens , nobody thinks you’re cool, nobody trusts you when a rumour breaks out about you, facts are fogged by human flaws and you’re seen like one of the most annoying , most evil, unhelpful, self-centred, obsessive compulsive person on earth.

My mistakes and decisions will be amplified, no matter what I do. Only because I am the first and all my actions and wrong doings will be criticised and scrutinised. No one will believe me, I am always seen as a villain even when all I’ve shown is unconditional love. Me being upset with you and telling you off on certain things, well, yes, that was Love. Maybe you didn’t recognise it but it was and it still is.

Maybe in some of your eyes, I should not be given a respect that I do not deserve. But it’s ok.

What is respect anyway? It was so important when we were growing up but when we’re older, its just a word we describe a really dignified person. And I don’t think I’m dignified, at least not in your eyes.

I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve done or even said, especially when I was younger but I guess I had to go through it to be where I am now.

I embraced you when challenges were thrown at you on your wedding day. You cried in my arms , for the first time, as a man . I will never forget that moment.

Many things might have happened between us, great misunderstandings that led us to silence and disconnection but no matter what, family’s all we’ve got and after awhile we keep coming back to “bloods stick together”.

Times are rough, it seems, but that’s what our destiny is , we both are really happy positive people ,but we are always given battles and we have no choice but to fight , sometimes for the rest of our lives.

One thing I know about us is this. We have one thing in common. When we smile and love others , we become magnetic and draw good things even through the bad times.

You may not have understood certain things that happened in my life and I can not spend my lifetime explaining the past but what I hold in my hand now, is the future.

Just like you.

No matter what battles you have to face, no matter how deep into the ground your ego is driven in , no matter how much salt burns your wounds……..know this, in my eyes and your mother’s, you are the man we always hoped you’ll become and I’m proud to call you my brother.

We only have our lives to be our legacy, always remember that.

Yours truly,

Your eldest sister

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